Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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