life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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