is your mom at the bar?
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Who did Billy Mays play for?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
