Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
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Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
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You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.