I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.