she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.