people are starting to question the shark bite story
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Randomize
