Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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