my sisters under your porch take her home
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
