I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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