my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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