oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
