Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
