so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
