exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
