I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
