fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
