I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
So vagazzling was a success
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
