I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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