does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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