There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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