The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
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I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
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I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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