I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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