and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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