We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
