We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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