I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
