I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
