He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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