Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
