I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
