I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
