Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
