It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
