I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Your penis caused this!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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