so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I skipped work to stalk him.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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