Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize