forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
