The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
