So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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