he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
