Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..