I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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