I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
