So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
