Are we in a gay sports bar?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
