also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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