I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
