At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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