Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
