ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
