He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
