im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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