watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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