This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
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