The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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