1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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