dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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